Deeper Than Souls

My Angel

This morning, as I was leaving an anti-poverty rally that I attended, I got really, really discouraged. It was one of those moments when you think to yourself, “How are the good people in this world ever going to make it to heaven when they’re constantly being tempted by terrible things like sex and alcohol and rap music?” And so, as I made my way to the soup kitchen where I volunteer every single week, it’s safe to say I was more than a little sad about the trials and tribulations that we, as human beings, have to face on a daily basis.

I walked past a homeless woman who was so poor she couldn’t even afford a shirt. So, without even looking at her tits, I took the shirt off my own back and gave it too her. She looked up at me and said, “Thank you so much sir. You must be the last kind man left in this godforsaken town.” I just smiled back and remarked, “I don’t like to take credit for my good deeds ma’am. And there’s no need to thank me………your happiness is all the thanks I need.”

As I walked away from the homeless woman, shirtless and discouraged, I thought to myself, “That woman must have had the saddest face in the world.” And just as I was thinking that, THERE IT WAS…………The face of a little girl………covered in teardrops. And at this point, I realized just how ignorant I had been only moments earlier. “That homeless woman didn’t have the saddest face in the world after all,” I thought to myself. “The pain on this precious child’s face could move a grown man to tears. I could literally weep one hundred million gallons of tears this very instant if I wasn’t so masculine.”

So I leaned over and asked the little girl, “Hey little girl……what’s your name?” She just looked up at me and said, “Fiona Apple.” And I said, “Are you sure that’s your name?” And she said, “Oh, sorry, I thought you asked who sang my favorite song. My name is Jennifer Lopez. And I lost my mommy.” And at this point I knew I had to help.

So I got down on one knee, and I looked Jennifer straight in the eye, while rays of sunlight reflected off my shirtless chest and back. And I said, “Jennifer, we’re going to find your mom together.” But this only made Jennifer cry even harder. She looked at me with her innocent eyes and whimpered, “But I’ve been (Sniffle) looking for hours and I (Sniffle)…….I…….don’t know where she is! (Sniffle)” So I looked Jennifer Lopez straight in the eye, and I said, “Listen Jennifer……you might think you’re just a kid. But you’re not. You’re the future. The future of America. And I’ll be god-dammed if I’m going to let your mother lose something as precious as you.” I continued on, “So you know what we’re going to do? We’re going to find your mom. And you’re going to go to school tomorrow. And you’re going to get straight A’s and go to Harvard Law School and become the first female president. How does that sound?” And Jennifer looked back at me and said, “That sounds like a plan!”

So I walked half a block with Jennifer and there her mom was, just standing outside the 7-11! Turns out she had been there the whole time………just half a block away! Jennifer’s mom looked at my shirtless body and said, “Sir, you might have the body of a movie star……but you have the heart of an angel. Thank you so much for bringing my daughter back to me.” And I looked back at Jennifer’s mom and said, “Ma’am………the only angel at this 7-11 just needs to spend some time with her mom right now. Her name is Jennifer. And she’s going to be president some day.”

So that was my morning. I guess it just goes to show you, there are angels all around us. And when you lose your shirt and your faith in humanity, just look to the future. Or look at a child. Because when you look at a child…………you are looking to the future. Because kids like Jennifer…………….are the future of America.

DESERTed

Today was the perfect fall day to bake a blueberry pie. The leaves were rustling………the smell of pumpkins and hot apple cider filled the air……..and love was seemingly everywhere I looked. It was the kind of day that would prompt Richard Gere to propose to a prostitute. It was the kind of day that would inspire Patrick Swayze to have sex with a 17 year old inexperienced dancer with an enormous nose. 

So I went to the Grocery Store. I bought the ingredients. I laid everything out in front of me on the kitchen counter. And I thought to myself, “I wonder how many other straight guys are baking blueberry pie right now?” I suddenly felt connected with the world in a way that I hadn’t since I saved a stray puppy in the park yesterday. It was literally completely ironic.

So I started mixing the sugar……and the flour……and the eggs……and the salt………and the blueberries……..and before I knew it there was a mess in the kitchen the size of Tom Cruise’s ego. So I put the pie in the oven and retired to the washroom. As I looked in the mirror I saw a reflection staring back at me that was practically unrecognizable. My hair was littered with flour………blueberries glistened on my fingertips………egg shells were strewn across my eyelashes……….and there was so much salt and sugar in my pubic hair that it looked like I had penis dandruff! 

After cleaning up a bit, I returned to the kitchen, and soon enough I was removing a beautiful blueberry pie from the oven. As I stood in the kitchen admiring the fruits of my labors, I thought to myself, “Is my pie-making experience a metaphor for my life?” Then I thought, “No……..no it’s not. My pie-making experience is more than just a metaphor for MY LIFE. It’s a metaphor for ALL OF OUR LIVES.” Because no matter how messy life may get at times, everything turns out all right in the end.

I guess what I’m trying to say is……..when life is so chaotic that you don’t even recognize your own reflection……..take a moment to smell the odor of a freshly baked blueberry pie wafting in from the kitchen. Take it from me………..it’s worth your while. Today was the perfect fall day to bake a blueberry pie.  

Agape

Today I was walking through the park thinking about philosophy and the bible and true love. As I made my way past the park’s tennis courts and across the lawn (which was gently littered with morning dew) I heard a whimper protruding from the bushes just beyond yonder. As I drew nearer, I realized this was not a human, but a dog in distress! Realizing this poor animal needed my help, I literally started running 100 miles an hour in an attempt to offer assistance.

When I peered behind the bushes I saw an absolutely adorable puppy crying for help. I picked up the puppy and cradled it in my arms as if it were my own child. And as I turned over his perfect little puppy paws, I fully realized the significance of the problem at hand……..there was a sliver in his paw………and he needed my help.

I ever so gently removed the sliver and a tear started forming in Agape’s left eye. (I named the puppy Agape, which is Italian for love…because I loved the puppy from the moment I saw it.) And as Agape’s eyes filled with tears, I felt my own tear ducts beginning to glisten with the wet sadness of the moment.

While I sat there in the park holding Agape in my arms, I thought to myself, “Hey…what if I was a dog, and not a human?” (Which was completely ironic because humans can never be dogs due to years of evolution, as described by Darwin in, “The Origin of Species.”)

So that was my morning. Maybe I’ll never be a puppy. But that doesn’t mean I can’t love them. I left a little piece of my heart in the park today. And I think Agape left a little piece of his too.